Sometimes we build a relationship not with the real person, but with our own stories and perceptions of the other person.
Where do you do this? And how is it working for you?
Watch this for more.
We’d really like to hear your thoughts on this.
Dan & Carol
It can be easy to ignore the condition of your relationship and think it will get better on it’s own. It doesn’t work like that.
We need to become honest and vulnerable, and reach out to others to ask for their support and help – firstly to your life-partner, and then maybe to search out and ask for help from others who are qualified.
So, what are you going to do today, to be a bit vulnerable, and reach out and ask for help?
If you need an understanding ear, please call us.
This video was done a few weeks ago, however the message is very valid any time of the year.
Do you ever have negative feelings about your partner? Do you talk about them right away?
Or do you bottle them up inside until you’ve got a messy pile-up?
Here’s one thing to do to eliminate the challenge. And you can do it!!
What are you going to do with your piles now?
This is Part 2. If you missed Part 1, check it out here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZ-IveCFIdw
We often ask our coaching clients, “What do you want in your relationship?” A blank stare is often the response.
It can be exceptionally helpful to determine what you want in your relationship, and then apply a simple secret – give it away. In other words, give what you want the most, and you will likely receive it in direct proportion.
Give kindness; receive kindness. Give respect; receive respect. Give the gift of real listening; others will listen to you.
Isn’t it time to commit to this age-old Truth – with a capital “T”?
Give it a try and let us know what happens for you.
Dan & Carol
Sometimes life can seem so hectic. Do you ever feel overwhelmed?
Studies indicate that a persistent feeling of “overwhelmedness” leads to all kinds of physical, mental, and social disorders – dis-ease. I don’t want any of that, do you?
Here’s how to unload stress by getting all of that stuff off your heart and mind. Then you can choose the 1 most important thing to do. Just one thing at a time.
Give it a try and let us know how it worked for you. We’re curious to know, because we care.
Dan & Carol
Remember that old ditty, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me”? Totally ridiculous, wasn’t it?
It was a phrase that would supposedly protect us from verbal attacks on the playground at school.
The weird thing is; if you think about the flip-side of the phrase, it means it’s OK for the bully to use verbal attacks. After all, the words can’t do any damage, right?
Did you use the phrase? If so, how did it work for you?
As an obese kid, it didn’t matter how much I said that phrase to myself, sarcastic and cutting words directed at me hurt – they really hurt. They would slash deeply into me, leaving wounds that festered and oozed for months, maybe years. And I can remember lashing out with equally nasty words and phrases against others. I’m not proud of it, but I did it.
My kid-dom lasted a long time. I was in my late 40’s before I finally began to understand my own neurosis enough to know how my words affect my relationships with others. So now, I go to great length to choose them carefully.
And yet, in much of the work Carol and I do with couples, and even in corporate boardrooms, it seems that many people hang on the right to slash others with their words. Attack often leads to counter-attack. When that happens, “ladies and gentlemen let the games begin!” And the results aren’t pretty.
Ever been there? And more to the point for this article, have you been there in your relationship with your life-partner?
I remember saying things to Carol that were nasty, disrespectful, and unloving. My words seemed to slip out of me, out of my control. I couldn’t take them back and I found it really tough to suck-it-up and apologise. It was easier to blame her and continue on my high and mighty self-righteous way.
I’m not asking you to dig up nasty experiences from the past – that serves no valuable purpose. However, the awareness that it has happened allows you to consciously plan forward with solutions, so it doesn’t happen again…or at least not often.
The question is, “How can you always speak to your life-partner in a way that builds strength in your relationship?”
And the answer is…(drum roll please) make a conscious choice to come from love NOW.
I’ll explain. When I set my ego aside, with all of its BS stories, excuses, and justifications, there is really only one choice that I get to make in every moment – to come from love; or to come from not-love.
How do I know which choice is right for me?
I trust my feelings, because every experience in life is internalized as feelings. It’s that way for me, and it’s that way for you.
If you question this, think of a specific time when your relationship was not in a good space. Hold out your left hand, palm up, and imagine that experience is on your left hand. What was going on for you there? What were you seeing, what words did you say and hear, how did you feel? Could be things like: fighting, resentment, or the silent treatment.
How does that feel on your left hand? If you’re honest with yourself, it didn’t feel good and you may notice yourself frowning or feeling heavy. The not-good feelings are: resistance, resentment, anger, guilt, shame, blame, fear, caution, dissatisfaction, hatred, overwhelmed, uncertainty, confusion, etc. These feelings are not-love.
Now, think about a specific time in the past when your relationship was going really, really well. Hold out your right hand, palm up, and imagine that experience is on your right hand. See yourself being kind and caring. Hear yourself using thoughtful and respectful words to yourself and your partner. Feel your relationship as fun, easy, and enjoyable. Imagine and remember that time now, and you’ll know it feels good.
How does it feel on your right hand? You may describe good as: fun, happiness, lightness, kindness, respect, caring, compassion, connection, inspiration, fulfillment, satisfaction, abundance, or a whole range of other emotions. These feelings are love. As you think about that experience, you may notice that you are smiling.
The cool thing is that you know the difference between good and not-good, love and not-love.
So now, any time you feel those not-good feelings, even if it’s just a wee bit “ticked”, put out your hands in front of you and consciously make a choice. When you choose the right hand, the love, you know the kind of feelings you’ll experience. When you choose the left hand, you’ll know the kind of feelings you’ll experience.
I’m not saying that you always have to choose love. There may be a time when you choose the left hand, the not-love. The key is that you’ll know you are making the choice for yourself. And the feelings you get will also be your pre-determined choice. And the results in your relationship will be your choice too.
It’s freeing, isn’t it? It’s an art and a science, whether you are speaking to your partner, or listening to the words he/she directs to you.
It’s art, because it allows you to mold the clay, paint the canvas, and create a symphony of your life – to create a wondrous legacy of a life well lived – or not. It’s your choice.
And it’s science. The brain-training by doing the right-hand, left-hand process, is that it enables you to step back from the situation, and remove some of the in-the-moment emotional attachment. It allows the cognitive part of your brain to do it’s logical, rational work. It allows synapses to create new neural pathways which in time become new thinking habits.
And for me, as I choose the right hand, it makes life fun. Ah shucks. You wouldn’t want any fun, would you?
Which hand are you going to choose to operate from, the left or the right? And which feelings do you choose to experience, regardless of whether you are on the delivering or receiving end of words?
It’s a time of the year to give thanks for the bounty, harvest, and abundance in life. But what results are you harvesting in your relationship with your partner? Are you thankful for them?
At some level of consciousness, you planted the seeds that gave you the results. If you really like the harvest (results) keep planting those seeds. If you don’t like the harvest (results) don’t plant those seeds any more. Seems pretty simple.
Please send us your comments below or by email. We’re curious about your thoughts about seeding and harvest in your relationship.
How can you improve your relationship?
Why not let go of your attachment to your own “right” way and open yourself to your partner’s perspective?
It can be fun, you might learn something, and your partner will love you for it.
Your relationship with your partner can be like a garden. It can become polluted with undesireable weeds – resentments, confusion, conflicting issues, “hot buttons”, and the like. Do you wonder if you should take the effort to eliminate those undesireables, or do you feel it is easier to plow up the whole garden and end the relationship?
Here are some perspectives to think about.
In our coaching sessions with couples, we hear the above statement regularly. Or, for those who are a bit more aware of their own part in the relationship, the question they ask is this, “How can I make my partner trust me?”
Trust is the foundation of any relationship, whether it be with your life-partner, or with anyone else in your life.
Gary Smalley is a well-known relationship expert and his recent blog and description of trust, and how-to build trust is exceptionally well written and thought out. It’s called “Why Won’t You Trust Me?” I invite you to read it.
Here’s a word of caution: If you are a victim and like blaming yourself, others, or your environment for the condition of your relationships, do not read this. It will rattle your cage, and may even plant a seed that you do have control of your life experience.
