The “S” Word
Is it fair game for your conversations?
OK, let’s not dilly-dally with a flowery introduction, let’s get right to it. Let’s have a conversation about sex.
No, it’s not a pick-up line. But if you’re feeling a bit uneasy, that’s fine. Just take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy the words that follow. It will be fun.
A Common-sense Approach to Sex
I was born and raised on a farm in Southern Alberta, Canada. We grew wheat, barley, canola, oats, and hay. We produced mostly beef, and a little pork, eggs, and some chickens. We were in the business of sun, rain, and sex. Yup, that’s how we made our profit.
Almost sounds like a kinky travel agency, doesn’t it? “Please push “1” to talk to our agent about your exclusive sun, rain, and sex adventure.”
On the farm, we depended on sex. And believe it or not, so do you. You and I couldn’t exist without sex – there wouldn’t be anything on the shelves in the grocery store.
So, if you want, you have my permission to sit back in your chair right now, throw your hand into the air and holler, “I love sex!!!” or if you’re really brave, “I need sex!!!”
Since it’s so important in life, why isn’t it a more acceptable discussion topic in relationships? What about you? With your partner, do you have regular conversations about sex?
With many of the couples we coach, and those who attend our seminars, honest discussions about sex can be an uncomfortable thing. Failure to have these discussions can lead to confusion, unmet expectations, guilt, shame, and walls of defence between two people. It can leave the relationship vulnerable to infidelity.
The flip side is this: imagine what might occur if you honestly and openly had these discussions. Imagine you and your partner supporting each other to reframe past beliefs and dispel myths about sex. Is it possible that your relationship could thrive in a totally new and exciting way? Could the sexual experience become an even more enjoyable, satisfying, and desirable part of your relationship?
Sex is a broad ambiguous word. For now, let’s look at it in regard to 2 terms: romance and intercourse. And it seems to work best in that order.
At one time, intercourse was the goal for me. This is backwards thinking which can and does create surprises in a relationship. Now, intercourse is a result of a much larger intimate experience of deep friendship and fun. And the romance can go on for hours, or even days.
Curious? Read on.
3 simple steps for super sex
1. Agreement – Agree to a mutually convenient time to honestly and openly talk about romance and intercourse. Ensure that you are free from distractions of phones, emails, kids, and anything else that may intrude. Make your environment comfortable, in whatever way suits you both.
2. Conversation – Take turns to honestly share your beliefs, desires, and fantasies.
Here are some guidelines that may support you:
- Have an intention for fun. Support yourself to be light and playful.
- If you are speaking, be totally honest about what you like and want to try.
- Speak in accountable terms, using the words I, me, and my, because these are your thoughts, words, and feelings. This one small accountability step eliminates fault and blame.
- If you are listening, do just that, LISTEN. Keep your mouth closed and strive to understand exactly what your partner is thinking, saying, and feeling.
- Once both have shared, ask for clarification so you totally understand each other. If there are behaviours or beliefs that have hindered your sexual experiences in the past, discuss honestly how you can reframe them or replace them.
- Be respectful and caring.
3. Commitment – Share with each other about what you are going to do and when. And ask for your partner’s support, especially if it is a change to what you’ve done in the past. Keep it fun, playful, and easy. Be aware of your feelings and if anything feels a bit “off”, talk about it. As you begin to plan and then give all of yourself to your partner, for his/her pleasure, you’ll notice amazing changes and satisfaction for yourself too. All kinds of healthy endorphins (feel good hormones) are released into your bloodstream. And sex is great aerobic exercise too.
Ensure that you keep your commitments. This can be a critical aspect of your relationship. Un-kept promises in this area can quickly evaporate good intentions.
As your friendship, love, and trust grows, and as you honestly discuss aspects of your relationship like sex, you’ll discover new mutual meaning and value in your relationship – it’s much bigger than just you, and your wants and needs. You’ll find the vast importance of your high-quality relationship will surpass the niggly little inconveniences that used to bug you.
And as you step into, and own that biggest and most powerful you, the person you really want to be, you’ll experience greater satisfaction and joy in all areas of your life – personally and professionally.
In your busy life, is it worth your time to chat about sex with your partner?
The fact is, your health, wealth, and happiness depend on it.
So, whether you did it before – or not, go ahead now, throw your hand in the air and holler, “I love sex!!”
Copyright (c) 2010